dated.

there is this frustraition
in the pit of my belly
sinking lower and lower
and i soon it will be the gravity
in my feet.
but i dont want it to be.
it is keeping me from laughter
and floating with joy
and its holding me back from a
friendship that is hidden within
these walls of books without a title
or burried in the back yard in the sandbox
only it has lessoned to a tiny grain of sand
when it used to overflow the box with
castles and beauty.
i wish i could feel the sadness more often
than i feel the anger.
i wish that i cared more to get over the things
that and hanging me up
but i wont.
making ammends and then never changing
im tired of it and i dont want to try it again
so maybe i will just go on living
with you in my surroundings
with you in my old journals
and my dated words
and my past photographs
and with you not in my heart...

desire

i have fallen in love again,
with the thought that people are beautiful
past their business atire and fake
how do you do's.
past the frowns and the short answers
past the expensive sunglasses, cars, and rings.
down to the simplicity in
the mundane and the
minotiny of the every day,
the same smell, the same place,
the same routine...
the same faces though...
are the ones i look forward to seeing.
childish hearbeats and smiles.
all the frustrations in the world
are worth getting to know you...

thank you.
thank you for smiles and silence
for motivation and laughs
for the loving heart that shows when you dont know people notice.
for the friendship.
and most of all... for the amazing company yesterday..

chill in the air
like icecream on the tounge
and i couldnt get enough of it
in my lungs
between coffee breaks and
cheap perfume
my mind is getting the better of me
and im doubting i have what it takes
the drives between there and here
were calming spaces of nothing
and today in this moment
i am between words
and thoughts
and feelings
and moods
between decisions
and grey areas
between so many things
that i cant pinpoint....

what does it mean when you have dreams like this?
not able to find a place to sit on these slanting chairs
on the side of the moutain overlooking a lake
but there are people around sitting in them just fine.
but im falling out and im searching for one that
will keep me from falling...

it had the same effect of those dreams i get all too often
where i am trying to run so fast but i cant make myself go anywhere.
almost like trying to sprint in a swimming pool, only slower.

at least a got woken up by a funny phone call that made me laugh...
this life is full of constancy in people letting you down but also,
always surprising.....and im liking that angle of looking at it.

im a sucker for love songs and kind words.

LIGHTheartedness is like floating
and my mind is never without a thought
snow snow snow is on my mind and i cant wait.
still caught off guard by the thought of liking winter...
but im looking ahead for change and newness.
i dont know if i will move to maryland or stay here and
save money to start my coffee shop while going to school.
studying photography and business is what ive settled on and just getting
that far with knowing a step to take is progress.
but i want to travel and be a FREE SPIRIT more than anything in the world.
not that i dont love my job and getting to talk to amazing people but... i dont want to get stuck here. the thought of not having a home seems oddly appealing to me.
but im not worrying about it today.
ill figure it out as i go
and im keeping my heart light.
i havent been dancing in a while... i hope i havent forgotten the steps..

i felt the need

to repost this.

so it's like this


its like the dawn before the terrible news
before the pain sinks through your skin
and pours like the rain.
its like the smell after it rains
and the wet roads you cross to get to
that old vehicle that will take your
exhausted body home.
its how the green light
illuminates the tiny water drops
on my side window.
its like the wonder that comes
as to why the streetlights
always turn off when i go
underneath that funny shade of brown.
its like how my mind is so alert
when my body just wants to rest its bones.
its like the feeling when my face tingles.
and also when im sitting on
this bed....
staring...
at that wall with an empty space
longing for beauty to fill its void.
when my eyes are open and wide
and staring, staring..
its like not noticing when your
eyes fade to something else
full of no interest, without blinking.
its like new music in your ears
that keeps you awake in this bed.
its like replaying that
hilarious memory in your head
every time you
bump that big bruise on your arm.
its like how the yellow and red
reflects in the puddles on this dark street.
its like rain instead of snow.
its like waking up and realizing
that some dreams are just
so you can wake up with laughter.
its like feeling every inhale
and exhale and the way
your body moves in rythm.
its like not seeing all of the
letters reflecting on the street sign
but still knowing where you are.
its like laughing really hard
and not having a good enough reason.
its like the embrace of a best friend
after going so long without seeing that familiar face.
its like the thought behind
the gift that you may never have the use for.
its like talking to my dad on the
telephone and knowing his love.
its like the wafting fragrance
from the bathroom after my mom
has taken her bath
and its like the steam covered mirror.
its like glancing at the word
joy deja vu
on my headboad before
my eyes close for sleep.
its like the glitter on the
side of the highway, only
knowing that glitter is glass
from someone elses pain.
its like picking up a friend from the airport
or more so, knowing that
the plane didnt fail.
its like putting a check-mark in that
box on the list of things
that took way too long to finish.
its like knowing that hurt
does subside and the good
never really fades away.
its like learning from somone new.
its like being walked to my car
after a evening of dancing
or more so, knowing that
NOT ALL HOPE IS LOST.
it is knowing, that HOPE is
everywhere, everyday,
you just have to look for it,
search for it,
and sometimes fight for it.
HOPE is ALIVE...

look closer...

my heart is an emptry room

this friend

of mine...
was just what saved my life last weekend.

goodnight

no one likes to admitt they are broken.
no one wants to feel unhappy.
i hate wishing for things so much.
i will see you in 15 days from when i wake up in the morning.
im going to bed exhausted. with my heart still soar
i wish i felt this passing... but i dont yet.
there i go again....
wishing.
im about to give up.

something i realized.......
jesus will always ever be my only hope.
and i dont think about that enough...


"never be someones slogan because you are poetry"

sometimes.

i hate being touched. at all.
dont pat me on the shoulder.
dont hug me and expect one in return.
dont bump into my on accident or on purpose.
dont ever touch my face. ever.
then other days....
i just want to be close.
hold my hand for comfort.
hug me and expect me not to let go for a while.
spoon with me and i will be happy.

today... in this moment... i dont want to have any contact with anyone at all.

just let me be..........................