im knitting up a storm!!!

these fragments of melodies arise in my head
as i open my eyes to the darkness and
the air that freezes my insides.
the cover didnt quite gather the warmth for my shoulders
and my eyes eventually adjusted to the
increasing illumination in the light bulbs.
the pores in my face spread as
the hot water poured over my body
and fell down that drain.
my body deprived of neurishment until lunch time
yet still gathering energy to display a smile.
excitement rushed from my toes to my fingertips
and out through this mouth with sounds
that cant be explained in sanity
and beautiful beautiful people. all around me. all day.
that voice that belongs to your little body
was brilliant today. it felt like home.
those eyes of yours were really green today
and the calm that surrounded us outside in the snow
was exilerating in the most peaceful way.
now this body of mine..
is weak and i am home without the glazed roads
hindering my safty.
the remnants of perfume lingering
on places that i cant pinpoint
and projects that need to be taken in small doses
instead of this overwhelming state i seem to be stuck in..
im finished today...
lovely lovely day

i didnt wear my earings today
and in this light my skin from my wrists
down to my fingertips
are misinterpreting my age
through the dry ridges that go deeper than
i have ever seen before
its beautiful
and i need to collect myself.
i need to realize all these things in my heart.
it goes deeper than this skin
that i never see in this kind of light
the daylight is misinterpreting its beauty.

beauty comes in small little dosses
redundency is brilliant sometimes and today
i thought of your company
and i wished for it next to me
and not in that dream i so vaugly remember.
i had to force myself to keep these eyes open
enough for the light to make shapes and
to express my smile with the rythm of my mouth
and i couldnt see you or feel you today
but i longed for your company to sooth my heart
and i dont know who you are and im writing this letter
to you. maybe someday you will find it left for you
on your front door.
in a yellowed envelope frozen to the inside
of your mailbox.

kansas

The light has let itself in
and i am gathering it with every
pen stroke in the midst
of this dark hotel room
with the ever so soft glow
that resonates from beneath this door.
there is a warm body in the
bed next to mine, gathering
all the reasons to have a soft bed
and i, i cannot sleep.
though yawns fill my mouth every so often
and my mind isnt alert to think
of much else other than the longing.
the longing for something other than this...
those sheets, they entangle me
and overheat my legs
when alls they want to do is
go for a walk in the middle of nowhere familiar.
these parts that connect me
inside of this skin
are making lovely sounds and i am
breathing with my lips sealed softly.
words are fumbling around in this brain
as you are tumbling around
within those restricting sheets.
wake-up calls make the telephones sing
across the hall
and i can hear another's shower
through the walls and
all of this to say that
my eyes are wide open in the
early early morning
and nothing will convince my body
to stay still...

leaf

these scrapes are healing on my hands and the leaves are rustling so loud outside of this bedroom window of mine that it makes me feel like there is a downpour. only there isnt out there, but inside this heart there are so many things that are still without answers and my heart aches. im trying not to let it because the reason is quite silly but, im letting it. the wind thats blowing is making the leaves fall faster and the lack of a telephone ringing beside me is letting this heart down pretty quickly and im just sitting here. a new source of light plugged into my wall and dangling from my ceiling is soft and comforting unlike these words of advice from strangers in hopes to suffice for my lack of knowing. projects are waiting in my garage and books beside me with so many words waiting to be read and journals lacking the ink from my head and im heart sick. im overthinking. im dissapointing myself. over this silly lack of nothing. im talking myself into it and out of it and im replaying all the stupid things ive said for no reason at all...what words did you remember? because honestly... they were all honest, but i rather you have heard the good things. all my hopes are in this waiting and waiting. and im a silly little girl waiting for christmas morning..without having known anything she is getting at all.and the colorado ocean is loud tonight.... and i need it to sooth my heart...

deepest blue

compromise had been on my mind lately and im wondering if it really truely matters as much as i have always thought it to matter. and im wondering so many things in the stillness of my heart and i have let go. i have let go. of you. and you. and you. this world doesnt matter without you but... this life will.
lonely, no no... im figuring this out alone. and its wonderful to know that i am breathing on my own. without lifesupport. without cords attatched to my viens.
i am finally free.

things seem to have seasons just like the changing leaves and the brown grass that at one point was alive. doubt has its way of fluttering in my head so softly and all at once taking over all the hope for something good to come. wanting so many things to happen. i want to go and do, and hating to admitt that fear is what is holding this heart back to reside in a different state without transportation or luxury. wanting to ask a question, then getting stuck on, should i really have to ask? wanting to put an idea a chance... but ideas are just ideas until they are put into reality and im not knowing if this mouth of mine should open to utter these feelings and words and possibilities. these reading glasses mixing with movement makes me nausous and this haircut wasnt meant to be trendy. conversation is the major appeal and i am waiting... waiting until tomorrow.

these passions are bubbling and these hunger pains are stabbing and this skin is drying yet i am living. im overhearing conversations but the meaning isnt being listened to and i wonder... i wonder what it feels like to be a mom. what it would be like to be a writer and have a constant flow of words and inspiration. i wonder what it would be like to be homeless and take value in everything. to appreciate a beautiful day instead of hiding from it within walls that block out the sunlight. i wonder what it would be like to be old, to have seen, and be weathered by these days that keep passing us by. i wonder what it would be like to be utterly alone, without a single soul to hold you. i wonder what it would be like to have a brilliant mind to think of all of this convenient technology. or what it would be like to build a house with your own to hands. i wonder what it would be like to work at the post office and not be able to open so many appealing packages. i wonder how this is. that falling asleep for twelve hours has not replentished my energy, only my mind to wander around these surroundings and reconvince myself that i am not without hope today.

dated.

there is this frustraition
in the pit of my belly
sinking lower and lower
and i soon it will be the gravity
in my feet.
but i dont want it to be.
it is keeping me from laughter
and floating with joy
and its holding me back from a
friendship that is hidden within
these walls of books without a title
or burried in the back yard in the sandbox
only it has lessoned to a tiny grain of sand
when it used to overflow the box with
castles and beauty.
i wish i could feel the sadness more often
than i feel the anger.
i wish that i cared more to get over the things
that and hanging me up
but i wont.
making ammends and then never changing
im tired of it and i dont want to try it again
so maybe i will just go on living
with you in my surroundings
with you in my old journals
and my dated words
and my past photographs
and with you not in my heart...

desire

i have fallen in love again,
with the thought that people are beautiful
past their business atire and fake
how do you do's.
past the frowns and the short answers
past the expensive sunglasses, cars, and rings.
down to the simplicity in
the mundane and the
minotiny of the every day,
the same smell, the same place,
the same routine...
the same faces though...
are the ones i look forward to seeing.
childish hearbeats and smiles.
all the frustrations in the world
are worth getting to know you...

thank you.
thank you for smiles and silence
for motivation and laughs
for the loving heart that shows when you dont know people notice.
for the friendship.
and most of all... for the amazing company yesterday..

chill in the air
like icecream on the tounge
and i couldnt get enough of it
in my lungs
between coffee breaks and
cheap perfume
my mind is getting the better of me
and im doubting i have what it takes
the drives between there and here
were calming spaces of nothing
and today in this moment
i am between words
and thoughts
and feelings
and moods
between decisions
and grey areas
between so many things
that i cant pinpoint....

what does it mean when you have dreams like this?
not able to find a place to sit on these slanting chairs
on the side of the moutain overlooking a lake
but there are people around sitting in them just fine.
but im falling out and im searching for one that
will keep me from falling...

it had the same effect of those dreams i get all too often
where i am trying to run so fast but i cant make myself go anywhere.
almost like trying to sprint in a swimming pool, only slower.

at least a got woken up by a funny phone call that made me laugh...
this life is full of constancy in people letting you down but also,
always surprising.....and im liking that angle of looking at it.

im a sucker for love songs and kind words.

LIGHTheartedness is like floating
and my mind is never without a thought
snow snow snow is on my mind and i cant wait.
still caught off guard by the thought of liking winter...
but im looking ahead for change and newness.
i dont know if i will move to maryland or stay here and
save money to start my coffee shop while going to school.
studying photography and business is what ive settled on and just getting
that far with knowing a step to take is progress.
but i want to travel and be a FREE SPIRIT more than anything in the world.
not that i dont love my job and getting to talk to amazing people but... i dont want to get stuck here. the thought of not having a home seems oddly appealing to me.
but im not worrying about it today.
ill figure it out as i go
and im keeping my heart light.
i havent been dancing in a while... i hope i havent forgotten the steps..

i felt the need

to repost this.

so it's like this


its like the dawn before the terrible news
before the pain sinks through your skin
and pours like the rain.
its like the smell after it rains
and the wet roads you cross to get to
that old vehicle that will take your
exhausted body home.
its how the green light
illuminates the tiny water drops
on my side window.
its like the wonder that comes
as to why the streetlights
always turn off when i go
underneath that funny shade of brown.
its like how my mind is so alert
when my body just wants to rest its bones.
its like the feeling when my face tingles.
and also when im sitting on
this bed....
staring...
at that wall with an empty space
longing for beauty to fill its void.
when my eyes are open and wide
and staring, staring..
its like not noticing when your
eyes fade to something else
full of no interest, without blinking.
its like new music in your ears
that keeps you awake in this bed.
its like replaying that
hilarious memory in your head
every time you
bump that big bruise on your arm.
its like how the yellow and red
reflects in the puddles on this dark street.
its like rain instead of snow.
its like waking up and realizing
that some dreams are just
so you can wake up with laughter.
its like feeling every inhale
and exhale and the way
your body moves in rythm.
its like not seeing all of the
letters reflecting on the street sign
but still knowing where you are.
its like laughing really hard
and not having a good enough reason.
its like the embrace of a best friend
after going so long without seeing that familiar face.
its like the thought behind
the gift that you may never have the use for.
its like talking to my dad on the
telephone and knowing his love.
its like the wafting fragrance
from the bathroom after my mom
has taken her bath
and its like the steam covered mirror.
its like glancing at the word
joy deja vu
on my headboad before
my eyes close for sleep.
its like the glitter on the
side of the highway, only
knowing that glitter is glass
from someone elses pain.
its like picking up a friend from the airport
or more so, knowing that
the plane didnt fail.
its like putting a check-mark in that
box on the list of things
that took way too long to finish.
its like knowing that hurt
does subside and the good
never really fades away.
its like learning from somone new.
its like being walked to my car
after a evening of dancing
or more so, knowing that
NOT ALL HOPE IS LOST.
it is knowing, that HOPE is
everywhere, everyday,
you just have to look for it,
search for it,
and sometimes fight for it.
HOPE is ALIVE...

look closer...

my heart is an emptry room

this friend

of mine...
was just what saved my life last weekend.

goodnight

no one likes to admitt they are broken.
no one wants to feel unhappy.
i hate wishing for things so much.
i will see you in 15 days from when i wake up in the morning.
im going to bed exhausted. with my heart still soar
i wish i felt this passing... but i dont yet.
there i go again....
wishing.
im about to give up.

something i realized.......
jesus will always ever be my only hope.
and i dont think about that enough...


"never be someones slogan because you are poetry"

sometimes.

i hate being touched. at all.
dont pat me on the shoulder.
dont hug me and expect one in return.
dont bump into my on accident or on purpose.
dont ever touch my face. ever.
then other days....
i just want to be close.
hold my hand for comfort.
hug me and expect me not to let go for a while.
spoon with me and i will be happy.

today... in this moment... i dont want to have any contact with anyone at all.

just let me be..........................

clenching my jaws togther to keep the tears from seeping out
this voice that is singing in the background isnt helping
and the fact that i havent seen her or heard from her in a long while
hurts my heart more than i care to realize every now and then.
i miss company that knows me in and out.
very few people know me that well anymore...
depression... is a very sad thing... that i dont know how to deal with or help and i dont know how to feel.
i am sad.
i am sad for her. i dont know how to help.

the tears cant be help back anymore.... and as much as i hate it... i love feeling something. anything at all.


i miss you more than you will know....................

oh the possibilities...........

remember when i said i dont know,
well i still dont. but i want to.
the needles wore the grooves too deep.
im tired and last night i felt very alone,
but it was my own fault because
i didnt go to that party i said i would.
that hard lemonade just sat on the counter
because i dont usually drink,
and when i do i like it to taste good
and i dont do it to get drunk.....
i like being in control too much..... and sometimes
that is a bad thing...
my mind is blank, my heart it hurting, and i dont
know where the fuck i should go and
this same story is getting old..
not knowing.
the cake i made today was patched up with extra icing
and red frosting letters written by what looked to be a 2 year old
but it tasted good.
i wish i showed that family is more important to me than i reveal.
im hungry but i probably wont eat,
oh of distractions.
and damn........ i forgot that cardboard.
its always freezing in my house and i probably should consider myself lucky for that.
i day dream about winter these days and i have never
liked winter before now.
i miss my friend.
two from distance in the miles between
and one from the distant miles of the heart.
im hungry...and maybe i will go eat.
maybe.......

i no longer

have a lot of hair!

mr.

i like the lack of words without the absence of conversation...
i dont mind silence, and i sometimes prefer it....
these pieces of plastic keep us up at night
the strain of distance and the closeness of heart.
you fell asleep tonight.... and i put the phone on my pillow
and listened to you breathe beside me.
it was comforting....
i like hearing the smile in your voice and the quietness of your thoughts...
i miss you dear friend.

watch this

speachless...
i hope this makes you cry.

default

not knowing is my default answer to everything.
and yesterday was a terrible day.
melting down it public,
is it overwhelming? or is it
a sense of relief that even the most
random, common, uncaring person
would care for a slight moment
about the tears that you cry.
tuesday is the day.
i am cutting off my past through a simple act.
'i wont ever let you walk out my door'
but i dont really know about that anymore.
words of honesty dont always do the trick
but simple words of accepting and keep truckin',
they stick to me like paste
and i am working towards that goal.
its just hard to not do it out of anger or bitterness...
but just to accept and move on.
new albums and a piece of plastic that is way too easy to use.
4 weeks from today i will have a friend living close
in physical form rather than just close in the heart.
my eyes are full of sleep again,
but the creativity that i feel in my blood today..
i dont want to pass without escaping through my fingers.
sometimes. i cant explain why i am sad. i just am.
yesterday was a terrible day.
but today was better, and i can live without you if i have to.

fragile

Nausea and nervousness.
the backdrop of the freeway
and beyond that hills with homes
and just a little farther
blue. gorgeous blue mountains
that hold hands with the sky
and i am pretending
that it is an ocean
and it calms my knotted stomache.
pregnant bellies and sun dresses
both beautiful, yet one
i cant imagine being, and the other
is waiting gently on that
hanger on my closet door at home.
that softness of a mothers hand
on her sons flawless face,
a form of love in the simplest touch.
i cant promise you that i'll stay
but im not saying i will go.

continued..

i love surprises but im not spontaneous.
these toes are small and the nails
that belong are almost without paint.
and these legs standing beneath these
unwashed, overworn black pants,
are unshaved and pale.
these muscles are not as strong as they once were
and this heart is fluttering, questioning,
beating with fear, excitment, frustration,
contentment, unsettling, sadness.
and i cant control it.
but today it is smiling...

i could just smile all night and skip sleep.

not genetic

everyone wants to be impressive.
well, this is me unimpressive.
i am an open book so it seems.
if youi ask me, i will, on most occasions,
tell you straight and plain.
but i wont lie that sometimes i do
candy coat those pretty truths.
opinions are important to have
but when it comes down to it
the only approval of opinion you need... is your own.
these words dont compair,
and these photographs i take...
are One beauty in the rolls and rolls of 24 and 36 terrible ones.
but i am ok with that.
it is worth the dissapointment
to find one special excitment in it all.
i live for the little good that is
sometimes so hard to find.
i take things too seriously sometimes,
but i am ok with that.
it reassures me that i do care about the little things.
i am not honest enough to the person
whom i title the most important.
i love my family so much
yet i dont make time to spend with them
or even when i do have time... i spend it alone.
why do i contradict so often?
i am a hypocrate
but i justify myself with the masses.
masses and masses that are the same
i compair myself to the magnificently beautiful,
the amazingly talented,
the extraordinary thinkers, the incredible artists..
way too much... and im not really ok with that,
besides the face that it pushes me to progress.
i am ok with being plain jane..
i have enough incredible friends who i dont need to impress.
i like the color teal, so much so that my walls are painted that lovely shade of blue.
is it vanity looking in mirrors when you pass them?
or is it only reassurance that i am not
as ugly as i may feel inside on that particular day.
my favorite part about going to the bathroom
is washing my hands and seeing the dirt consumed water
wash down that drain, and
i waste way too many paper towels.
i am more relaxed than i am tired.
i like being in terrible moods sometimes because
i find it relieving that i am still
just fine when im not pretending to be happy all the time.
i do not hide emotion well..
if im sad or angry, you can see it in these brown eyes.
yet i have to explain myself when i dont say much or when i am just observing...
i am not very opinionated when it comes to politices or major world issues
and i am ok with that for the time being.
i like keeping an open mind about things im not well informed about.
if we dont get our opinions from parts of other opinions...where do they really come from?
i eat scrambled eggs with cheese way too much because
it is the only thing i know how to make well.
i think about cutting my hair often but i probably wont.
i talk a lot more than i do with the plans in my life... and im working on changing that.
i am easily irritated some days
and some days when i have coffee it makes me really happy.
i dont change my bed sheets very often... but i dont really have
a reason to besides the occasional funky smell.. seeing
as how i dont drool or have sex.
in book stores.. i look for books whose cover catch my eye...
i guess you could say i judge books by the cover.
the only times i really cry are in my car.
or talking to my mom, and even then,
i dont know how to sob anymore... or i just havent had a good enough reason.

sitting there unimpressed... i dont mind at all...

i hate that 4 year old children know how to order a double chocolate chip frappaccino and their mommy's latte.
i hate that at the age of 7 a little boy is ordering a double tall caramel macchiato saying that "he loves coffee".
7 years old!!! i still dont like coffee and im nineteen.
its radiculous.
i hate that the idea of having to be cool or great is drilled into their heads when they are 7 years old.
who made coffee drinking cool anyway? its just bitter water that helps keep your eyes open when you are last minute cramming for that final exam, or writting that 15 page paper that you put off til 3 hours before you need to be in class the next morning.
but i will admitt.... french vanilla creamer and irish cream... the best idea of all time.... it makes coffee taste SO SO gooooood.

i also hate it when plastic parents imply that their children are fat, or "you dont really need that frappaccino", or "she'll have the LIGHT version".... shes 6 fucking years old! let her eat what she wants!!
i understand that mcDonalds everyday isnt healthy...but if your kid is chubby.... let them be a little chubby... its cute! and apparently when you are young its the only time that it is remotely accepted.

incredible friends:

its hard to find the genuine, but when you do.... you are truly blessed.

inspiration:

blues and greens

i think i may move to maryland. fresh start, new struggles, old struggles with new faces. the feeling of hunger being a regular part of the routine, but pockets filled with the same things: chapstick, telephone, and bobbi-pins, and maybe on a good day a few pennies and a nickel. i will need to take my bicycle because i doubt that i will be taking my car... unless by some miricle it will not break down cross country. a dumpy little appartment with amazing people to share it with. job-hunting and new people...but always having the old ones in my heart. the humid air. the cold. the ocean. the city. i will day dream all day today.........

i dont know how

to be inlove... but i want to know.

content for a day

or close to it.
rain.........it makes everything in my mind relax.......

mar

on my mind.
you've been on my mind.
that blue has been the backdrop with the trees as the witnesses to your glory.
why have you made me like this and what is this like?
my skin and my heart are blemished.

traveling east

i know how to be alone better than i know how to be around all these lonely people. love that is true. i cant grasp it still... but it is lovely in trying to imagine.

change of pace,
montrose was lovely. the wedding was beautiful, or maybe it was the love that made it that of its kind, not souly for the pretty faces.
driving and searching for words to discribe the blue that i fell in love with.


i haven't brushed my hair in three days, an it was dancing with the mountain air for 7 hours on the way home. one bowl of soup did not satisfy the hunger of an entire day. the nausea in my stomach when i wake up returned today...and it really isnt that lovely of a feeling. mind over matter. the tan lines i recieve from the sun are always in unison with only one item of my clothing. spooning will probably always be my favorite way physical comfort. ive been 19 for a month now exactly. wow. i cant imagine what growing old will be like, and i probably wont realize it until i am already there... and i cant understand when i look in the eyes of the beautiful elderly people whom i come across.. has their mind stopped searching..





i wish i could sleep well enough to get rest.

repeat repeat

so good so good. past the surface into something that is so much easier to say this time. this time inbetween studies and smelly feet. appreciation is scarce because the words of i love you can mean so much to him but overused bewtween her and i. no answer to a phonecall that was needed to communicate and you are completely gone when tired tears away at your eyes. distance. trying to figure out something that cant be figured out. that is that. this is this. tell me what you want...
nothing is lost its jussssttt..... hiding out. 5 hours are to come and even more after that. long whindy roads and insects that didnt see it coming.

Lately...

life is just a series of thoughts as we travel between place to place trying to find something worth our time.
worth being an opinion of approval not necessarily that of enjoyment.
ive found trouble with 'living IN the moment'. my mind is rarely in the place that my body dwells. extremes are the rare exception. intense pain or sadness, or an abundance of joy. not happiness... joy. two extremes which i have not experience in some time.
joy: the SOURCE. not just the effect
happiness:Being especially well-adapted
ADAPTED> im not adapted to anything at all. constantly floating inbetween circles and squares and dead ends and endless roads and nothingness and hints of hope. enough to keep my alive.
building walls and getting frustraited when i cant find the time or a way to tear them down again. unlovable and frustrated. dig dig dig. deep deep deep.
and find what isnt something you want to find..
so so so obsolete.
directionless.breakdown.saveme.jumpstart.areyoualive?breathlessandsearching...

enlarger

i have not a word tonight. but i love you..

sinking

oh i need hope to fill my lungs.


"SAVE ME cause i could never float stinking, amaze me and i will be here holding on for life."

This is me.

if you leave i hope you need to come back

first words are success
pretty apparent from the fancy shoes
and the fake smiles.
phone glued to face,"laskdfj;asldkjfholdonfortwosecondsk?"
triple tall
sugar free vanilla
breve
no foam
latte
you?no please.
Me? a smile and a thank you.
overhearing conversations
and their translation:
i make a ton of money,
i started at the bottom and
now im at the top of it all.
(if by all you mean money)
i have the fancy dresses and
the perfect hairdo.
my version:
why? i dont understand why the first words should be about the success of how much money we make or the productivity that our lives have come up with. hard work intitles you to be arrogant? i guess so. there has got to be more. what do you believe and live for? what will you do when it all falls apart? because eventually it will and all you will be standing there with is yourself.

i have little to no money at all. i dont make much money, and what i do make i dont bother saving because.. i dont really care that much about it. i have a little room in my parent's house, with things leaning against every wall because i cant ever throw things away that a piece of me is a part of. a mirror that only reflects my feet to my knees, photographs spilled all over the place, a ton of home made things that are the product of my inspired moments. antique furniture that ive had all my life, a huge pile of my favorite, overworn clothing that i just washed for the first time in weeks. 7 bottles of half drinken water, and music blasting from the speakers of my stereo. i have a car parked outside my window that has squeeky wheels and check engine light that illuminates everyday. a few lenses and a camera in a homemade camera bag. globes and maps that remind me of where i will go someday. photobooths of best friends and lovers. i have a braclet on my wrist from a great friend and freshly cut fingernails.
i dont want to live for myself. it seems so pointless. i rather just know who i am and what i believe...and know other people and who they are. not 'what do you do, how are you doing in your attempts to wealth and beauty'.

i wish i was having a conversation with someone over overly sweet strong iced coffee.


"make it count for something or else its all for nothing".

amaaaaaaaaaaaaze me... cause i will never.........

sometimes i feel completely ugly. the things inside change my perspective.today. this terrible feeling of feeling dirty. feeling like the edges of my being were broken and i couldnt stop feeling bruised and uneasy. i still feel it. needing to make things right but not knowing how or what or when or where. i could see the shame in your eyes but i didnt want to show you disappointment in mine. and the light headache and the stomach filled with nothing, water, and things of no good. i am no good at what i love to do the most. i really dont think so today. i feel like im barely ok at the things i love but mostly terrible.
today needs to end or i just need to stop this mind from digging.

lip service makes us look "great"

im inbetween stages of my heart.
i calmed myself when my heart was beating so quickly
to the excitemnt of nothing at all but a smiling face.
when i dont let joy overtake the nonsensical moments
the sadness sets in of everything that has come
and has lingered in my heart
it wont evaporate.
like that smoke that you blew underneath that
empty water glass last night.
after the flavored tabacco filled your lungs.
things go as deep as the ocean floor
when you find the time to just realize.
so many days are filled with wondering
the fog of once knowing who and what was once in this heart
i really didnt ever think my heart could keep beating in this state
but it is. and it will keep going.
i dont know about anything.
but i am on the verge of knowing where i will go
everything is temporary and i cant ever seem to grasp it.
left overs in the container than contains much more than just
what i had for dinner last night.
it contains progress that i can do this on my own. ... somewhat.
it contains not knowing if i want to be all alone.


white needs black.
i want to need you.
you.
whoever YOU are.
but i have not a clue.
and i spend too much time worrying
about the You that will probably not
include all these expectations.

i have .nothing. left to give.
no advise to give to you when your lover is gone.
no dates for you to schedule when we can hang out.
no words to confort your heart when its hurting...even though i want to help more than anything in the world.
no talent to show you.
no strength to withstand all these temptations.
no to motivation to do EVERYTHING i have on my list to accomplish.
no confidence at all on somedays.
no nothing.
nothing at all.
this is my pitty party.
i will regret this in a few minutes.
its
already starting.........

light

apathy.
and the sum of its parts.
hanging loosely by a few stings whose tips
i want to cut off quickly
instead of pulling harshly with
the edges left in shambles.
pointless little bugs
fluttering in the lightbulb.
annoying as hell. but im probably much of the same.
damn.
they have WINGS!
and they dont do shit with them.
maybe its symolic.
only...even though the light is beautiful...
its not the only thing to see.
its not the only thing worthwhile.

i have wings to fly and i havent done shit with them.
i need to do something.
bad. bad. badly.

wake up, can you hear me.......

letting go of everything
making plans instead of waiting
for a voice to tell me where i should be
and where i will go.
faith is still in my bones and
holding me steady and containing my heart
from regretting the things i know
could hold me hostage.
pretty houses and greenary.
daydreams and lists and hopes
that overwhelm me to a hault.
im learning to expect less.
spontenaity needs to be a party of this routine,
only that seems really contradictive doesnt it?
i like his style, only the appeal of it all
is that he is a stranger..
that hasn't yet offended me with broken promises.
im ready to find a home of my own
and start doing something worthwhile..
...and leave it all behind..

sometimes i feel the need to be completely despondent.
a complete contradition to what i grasp and hold tight to keep me going every day.

run run runnnning away.

there are too many words in my head that arent completely formed and too many that have become stale yet i still believe them to be true, and i still feel them.
the pores in my face are fully cleansed and waiting for something dirty to fill them. if you dont know then dont give every inclination that you do know. and there they go again, they desiccate with the altitude of this miles high city and these streets that have shown moisture for today. they fade away and slap me in the face and then vanish just before my hand can have the strength to hold on to them enough to absorb them through my heart and process them through this mind that keeps on running away from me.............................
not knowing the impact of a car crash or knowing how to fall freely out of an airplane, only knowing that my body goes just as fast as my car and the petals underneath my feet should be called levers or something other than the same word for pieces of the rose that are dried up in that box of mine hiding somewhere in the shadows of my bedframe. only knowing the feeling of traveling above the current weather in the place that im going and not yet being there, and not being able to find songs that fit into this heart of mine and this time in my mind and not being able to pinpoint anything at all until this moment, and the fear that i have become numb again only to realize that tonight i remembered that im not, and that the people that make me feel are the ones that i so desperately need to have by my side....and have them stay there........................

honey honey

how can you say that
it was disgusting out there
it was beautiful.
nothing stuck to the ground
and the dirt was washed away
the wind was brutal
but it just made
the lovely sounds larger.
and the sleep deeper
and the warmth warmer
and the quiet softer.
and the music calmer.

a red X marks the spot.

i think my hands are salty
and tongues are weird
to have in between your fingers.
im glad i dont kiss by
licking someones face.
i love this dog of mine
and i miss the old one too

lack of motivation
to tap my feet
and mellowed out by
damien's voice.

i need help picking out writings for my book.
i need help picking out photos to put up at work.
i need help starting a business.

the beginning of a thought...
i hope my face is wrinkled when im an old lady....

to my best friend.

Some music is best without words.
So darling when you forget the words
Don’t worry. Your fingers didn’t.
You silence them all doll
Out of this tiny vessel so much
Is brought forth that no one can
Deny. You cant hide this
Illumination. It just comes
Everywhere, all the time.
With your butterfly wings and
Your feet covered in stripped
Stockings and ballet shoes
You don’t hide. For some tonight,
It seemed as they saw their
First true beauty
Their hearts screamed for what
You’ve got. No one has to
Get to know you before they
See your beauty inside… it resonates
Through that smile of yours
And flows through your fingertips
And pours out of the
Notes in your voice. And even
Through the nervous little toes
That gently point inward
All of the longing attention is
Swallowed by your humble grace,
Captured in hope and moved by
The peace you bring upon so many hearts.
Pin that hair of yours back
You’ve got people to silence.
Silence is beautiful and that is
What you evoke out of even
The ugliest. Especially me.
Im awed by your genuine spirit.
I adore you girl.
Little vessel, but through,
The biggest you touch, inspire,
Motivate, humble, illuminate.
Oh and did you know that you are funny girl?
You don’t think so, but all I ever hear are giggles, and silenced hearts.



<<<<<>>>>>>>

so its like this.

its like the dawn before the terrible news
before the pain sinks through your skin
and pours like the rain.
its like the smell after it rains
and the wet roads you cross to get to
that old vehicle that will take your
exhausted body home.
its how the green light
illuminates the tiny water drops
on my side window.
its like the wonder that comes
as to why the streetlights
always turn off when i go
underneath that funny shade of brown.
its like how my mind is so alert
when my body just wants to rest its bones.
its like the feeling when my face tingles.
and also when im sitting on
this bed....
staring...
at that wall with an empty space
longing for beauty to fill its void.
when my eyes are open and wide
and staring, staring..
its like not noticing when your
eyes fade to something else
full of no interest, without blinking.
its like new music in your ears
that keeps you awake in this bed.
its like replaying that
hilarious memory in your head
every time you
bump that big bruise on your arm.
its like how the yellow and red
reflects in the puddles on this dark street.
its like rain instead of snow.
its like waking up and realizing
that some dreams are just
so you can wake up with laughter.
its like feeling every inhale
and exhale and the way
your body moves in rythm.
its like not seeing all of the
letters reflecting on the street sign
but still knowing where you are.
its like laughing really hard
and not having a good enough reason.
its like the embrace of a best friend
after going so long without seeing that familiar face.
its like the thought behind
the gift that you may never have the use for.
its like talking to my dad on the
telephone and knowing his love.
its like the wafting fragrance
from the bathroom after my mom
has taken her bath
and its like the steam covered mirror.
its like glancing at the word
joy deja vu
on my headboad before
my eyes close for sleep.
its like the glitter on the
side of the highway, only
knowing that glitter is glass
from someone elses pain.
its like picking up a friend from the airport
or more so, knowing that
the plane didnt fail.
its like putting a check-mark in that
box on the list of things
that took way too long to finish.
its like knowing that hurt
does subside and the good
never really fades away.
its like learning from somone new.
its like being walked to my car
after a evening of dancing
or more so, knowing that
NOT ALL HOPE IS LOST.
it is knowing, that HOPE is
everywhere, everyday,
you just have to look for it,
search for it,
and sometimes fight for it.
HOPE is ALIVE...

chivalry is not dead... and my hopes are that it never will die...and my wishful thinking would want to bring it back.
maybe then we wouldnt have so much divorce.




........im sleeping in my bed tonight. not crashing on a couch. im excited.
swing was great...but i still have a long way to go with lindy hop.
santa gets home soon. and i miss herrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
there are many ambitions in my head. ones that cost a lot of money to start...
someone want to give me a million dollars?
...only i think that much money would make me feel really uncomfortable.
i dont like having much money.

ill write a real blog next time. not just rambling, unpretty thoughts that come through these fingertips.
my eyes are falling............. f a l l i n g. . . ffffffffffaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllliiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg
asleep.

all i have to say is... i hope that my husband knows how to cook... or he really likes cheesy scrambled eggs and toast... because thats the only thing i know how to make really well.
oh i guess i know how to make cereal, tuna, mac&cheese, and... chocolate milk?
haha..thats sad... do guys like girls that cant cook?

without these people...

i would honestly wither away...

March 22, 2007
I always think that i write enough of nothing that something little and special will leak out on the page. a few words of inspired thought will sound beautiful in some way. Fifteen minutes of fame? not for me, all i want is fifteen words to touch hearts. Fifteen words to say something old in a brilliant way. Fifteen words of never experienced thought. i want to change someones way of thinking, Not by arguing, or working hard to convince them. But to say things with such conviction that it strikes a chord in a heart. a beautiful chord. One that vibrates the soul.

fire it up

i really have nothing to say
but i always feel like writing
even when nothing comes out but nonsense
or absolutly nothing good.
i bought a plane ticket today.
i enjoyed work...and didnt really want to leave.
i took 2 1minute naps, and both times i woke up my mom was standing in front of me with delicious food...haha.
i got my taxes done finally.
the little girl i tutor didnt go to tutoring tonight, and neither did i..
i found out that my grandpa isnt doing very well. my dad is going up to cheyenne to talk to the doctors and see if he really will need chemo or not.
i had good conversation with my brother and mom tonight about fair-trade coffee, and corporate america.
ive listened to crisanta's new music all day.. and it continutes to inspire me.
i miss her already and its only been a day.
im praying for her in my heart.
ive been on this computer a lot today...and its dumb.
i got a text from an extraordinary girl that i love very much..
and i kind of want to go to photography school with her if she goes. in glennwood... but i think its too late to apply..
i cant wait to see amazing people soon...ish.
my eyelids are heavy.
im going to sleep. soon... hopefully...

please be DISPLACED with me

re·sil·ience:
–noun
1. the power or ability to return to the original form, position, etc., after being bent, compressed, or stretched; elasticity.
2. ability to recover readily from illness, depression, adversity, or the like; buoyancy.

they have nothing left to lose.
they have so much more inside of them than i could ever even imagine myself having.

i have everything to lose.
yet i am scared of losing what i have, when the fear they have... is for their life to be extinguished.
how selfish i am. and how pathetic i feel to think how little i have really done with my time.
i am still here in this place. infront of this computer. online. with warm socks covering my feet and a hoodie keeping me warm, a home.
i want to go. if nothing else, to make a friend and to hold a child's hand in a place where there is desperation for help. where there is a need to be filled. a stomach to be fed.
i want to live my life for someone else.
im so sick of living here for me, myself, and i.
im absolutely ready to do something. i dont care if it is one life. or 10.
i dont want to go to have a life changing experience for myself.
i want to go to help, to love, to live for someone else's heart to keep beating.
or more so BEEPING.

my list

i spent last night watching strangers' hands touch
and small feet swiftly glide across
the creaky wooden floors.
i watched expressions of beautiful faces
flow from eyes that reveal the soul
to their fingertips,
to the souls of their dancing feet
even their hip movement had emotion.
i watched people have passion about
something so beautiful
...it moved me
i viewed letting go in the most perfect way.
i experienced kindness of familiar faces.
Jeff buckley's So Real replaced the empty sound
in my car on the drive home down the
2lane street polka dotted with pot holes
10:30. i finally go to sleep at a decent hour
without pills that fool my mind into sleep.
victory in so many ways yesterday.
i do admit. i felt inadequate.
watching these people feel with all
that they have inside of them.
it was a motivating factor that
produced in me a longing to
pursue something in me.
a form of beauty that
i will have to learn. and let go.
i was able to make a list of things i want to do
for the first time.
i could pinpoint some exact things
i want to happen
it made me question, have i been holding
onto the dreams of the past
when they have faded out.
have i been wanting something
that wasn’t complete honesty in my heart.

THESE are the things i KNOW i want to do,
to be, become, that i want to experience...
_learn how to dance, well. but more importantly, how to follow
_open a coffee shop
_do photography full time
_join the peace corp
_learn hip hop
_publish a photo book
_publish a work of writings
_buy a little home to call my own
_travel all the time.. not just once in a while
_live in brazil, africa, new zealand...
_be satisfied with the simple things in life
_have the same best friends when im an old granny
_be a great mom and have a husband as great as my dad is
_take singing lessons

...when i figure out more, there will be more to come

my mind in broomfield..

i got 4 hours of sleep last night.
and not the great, fulfulling sleep.
the tossing and turning kind.
and now i am here, in a foreign place
and familiar objects.
i hear it smells like rain but
i have no windows to see
for myself.
i have the bitter tasts
of espresso in attempts to keep
my eyes open for 4 more hours.
my mind doesnt work in number form
without rest in my body.
why is the light so much warmer and yellow
inside this tiny place?
it always seems to be that way.

..there is this overwhelming desire
to know people and who they are
and where they have been,
and where they are going.
what was their childhood like?
did they love completely?
did they build forts and make
mud pies like i did?
. it scares me .
to think what childhood will be like
for my children and grandchildren.
i dont want them to be addicted to technology.
technology ROBS your MIND of IMAGINATION.
Will my little girl want to be like that
supermodel on the runway,
that famous, over publicized pop sing,
or her mommy?
i get stressed out just thinking about
the AMAZING ability to
shape a childs mind.
there is so much pressure in having children...
i dont want mine to be bitter.
i want them to love with
ALL of their hearts.
i want to be a mom that has
ALL the time in the world for them
even when they are teenagers
and young adults
and dont have time for me..
i want to have mother/daughter talks
that last forever
at our usual old coffee shop
where they know us by name and
make our normal cup of joes.
i want my kids to cherish the "out-dated"
ways of thinking.
i want them to carry on and believe in
the traditional and "old fashioned" way
of doing things,
how to to be loved, how to live.
i want them to have hearts that
break for people when they are going
through hell.
i want them to be faithful friends,
loyal souls.



..... i have to pee so bad it is starting to hurt!!!
3 more hours!!!

2:20pm - people are bitches

2:24pm - people are nice, even thought i cant hear what they are saying

3:12pm - im a fan of good looking guys being nice and having beards

3:24pm - i just checked the time 5 times in the last 2 minutes......

ocean clouds

saying things you dont mean
seems to be the trend lately
get my hopes up and then bail.
kiss me then walk away.
stand for something honorable
then change your mind so quickly
say i can call you whenever
then dont answer your telephone
hold my hand
then leave it all to silence
lets promise to call eachother,
then act like we forgot our phone numbers.

things change
...
and i feel at home here... in the middle of nowhere...

can we all just stay true
to the words that we speak so freely
please..

id rather have a no and not anticipate,
than get a yes
and be waiting for you
with hopes high
only to sink to the bottom of the ocean...

im not angry anymore.... its just old news....

heart smiles..

for brian

so anxious
TO LOVE. to be completely in love.
so anxious
TO LEARN. to learn how to live a new day tomorrow.
to know somone elses train of thought
MY HEART IS POUNDING
out of excitement and HOPE that
there is so much DEPTH in the every day
and also so much SIMPLICITY.
does simplicity enable you
to go deeper in thought about
the REAL. the TRUE. the things that matter?
"a pretty shoe, a dirty soul"
i wish so much that everyday
could be like this night has been
full of intense conversation full of emotions
and complex feeling.
it makes life WORTH LIVING.
its a breakthrough, its not just a
'so it seems' guestimate
its raw, its real.
even if you realize you are a HYPOCRATE
or a BEAUTIFUL SOUL.
both of which i have found the past few days..
the breakdown of all the nonsense of everyday
is REFRESHING.
i want to hang onto these
feeeeeeeeeeelingssssss
that there is so much MORE to people
than what the BLANK STARES reveal.
i have almost grasped a concept that
i didnt even know was inside of me.
i have learned so much about
who i am and what other
LOVELY SOULS have been thinking and feeling.
i want to go to stella's and
talk over coffee for hours.
about ANYTHING. no actually... everything.

i feel like i have reached a certain level of clarity... and it may
not even be that clear. but. it. is. new.
its stretching my heart to HOPE in a different way than we are
so used to being taught.
i want to write everything in my head down on these pages..
only i cant pin point any of them.
MAYBE
its just that everything is going to be alright.
no matter whether or not
i know where i am going.
is it a peace that i feel?
or is it satisfaction in knowing
that its not in my hands, and really never was.

DO YOU feel what i feel?
do you love what i love?
do you see what i see?
.... if you do... it isnt the way i see it.
you dont have my eyes..
but. you do have many pieces of my heart.
and my heart and mind have been close friends
for a while now.

wake up you're alive
I FEEL ALIVE.
not by feeling happy or amazing,
but knowing that i do feel.
i havent given up...and wont.

old

we fashion our bodies
to fit the model clothes
to flaunt our bodies
we go and pick out
something that will
best represent our personality
to cover our skin
its odd isn't it?..
we are stuck in these
bodies that we couldn't
pick for ourselves
yet we long to be
free of all our lives.
we want independence
but really, we were
born into these small
little prisons with
absolutly no way to
possibly escape.



.... i made myself cheesy eggs and toast for dinner....but my mind is the biggest distraction so i didnt eat a lot of it...and now my tummy is rumbly again...........

titleless

insrumental music makes me ponder...it doesnt sway my thoughts one way or another..it just guides them with beauty.
today was..an up and down day.
its hard for someone close to your heart hurt in a way that you have never hurt before.
its hard to not know how to comfort someone enough...but want so badly to help in some way.
memories flood like a damn has broken in my mind, that was holding all of them back... the good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful.
its like knowing its going to snow...and prepairing for it...but hoping that it will only rain. because i hate the snow.
how awesome would it be to start a coffee shop. not to get rich or to compete with the ever so popular starbucks... i want to open one souly for the people. the minds, the souls, the perspectives, the dreams, the characters, the troubles, the heart-aches, the joy, the interests of people's lives. i was sitting in a coffee shop with my best friend today and i felt so welcomed. i was sitting on a couch and felt like i was at home...even though it was an awkward place for a couch to sit.
we have so much power inside of ourselves to change the way people feel and think...yet most of the time we are too concerned about ourselves and how we feel that we never stop to realize that that smile you held back could have made someone's heart smile. it might have put a little piece of hope back into their heart that they so desperately needed.
i have this overwhelming longing to know people..
even though some may think im lazy for not going to school right after highschool... i am happy. i absolutly love working where i work. even though it is looked down upon by many people.. the name of it is not the reason i work there. starbucks. i could care less about... i look forward to the regulars. even though i may know them by their drink... i get excited when i get to visit with them for that 5 minutes of their day on the way home from work.

love. i still have no idea what it is. all i can compair it to that makes any sense is "love is patient love is kind, love does not envy or boast, it keeps no record of wrongs, love never fails...." there is more but my bible is upstares.

seeing close friends always makes my heart smile.
i hung out with a really good friend tonight...and i've realized how much ive missed his company.
and seeing another amazing friend of mine be so happy with a new girl... i cant tell you how happy i am. really.. im excited for him. very much.
i love it when my friends are happy. i love sharing in joy for them...
its strang..and i know im using a lot of bible refferences but.. there is this verse that says "rejoice with those who rejoice, and mourn for those who mourn." and that couldnt relate to me any better than it does right now.
they are so opposite but i feel like today... it was exactly that.
im learning how to be sensitive... and to just not say anything... just to hold hands and know that thats all that needs to be done.

this is really long...... see what explosions in the sky provokes. man... listen to them. they are absolutly amazing. the earth is not a cold dead place after all...............................................

it's dandelion season

and im excited.
i know something that seems so simple seems so silly for some girl to get so happy over...but honestly.. every time i see one on the side of the road... i smile. not only with my heart, but with my face too.
love isnt everything. but friendship is.
nothing ever works out when you force it...
when you push too hard for somethign to be good.
it will only end up breaking into pieces.

"we are too easliy pleased"-c.s.lewis
i dont want to work in broomfield tomorrow..but i am going.
i have a three day weekend starting the day after tomorrow..and i get to see amazing people.
one imperticular..

where am i going?

pretend that you're alive again

love is blind.
a concept that i cant fully grasp
and maybe never will. or, not
so much that, as, how? how
can you trust with everything
inside of you that another
will love you forever,
when their heart is as fickle as the one here before you.
i understand that loving is
a choice as much as it is
a passion... but that seems to
suck the romance out of it all doesnt it?
i guess ill know how to love completely when
it happens right?
but can you wash your face with
unclean hands?
how do all the memories
stop playing over in my mind...