brad and i got ice cream cones the other day...and he matched the dairy queen colors.. yellow shrit and red dipped cone... magical haha..

this is life, volume 10

i hate the small talk that is only the kindness of trying to ease the moment...
i used to be so self sufficient. ok with being with myself. but these days go by and i try to shake this off. its silly to feel loss when i should feel better for this. there are so many more opportunities for better things. i wanted a change in my life but i didnt think it was this. maybe its only a rearangement. the "fung-shua" is more functional now, it just takes some getting used too, some time to know where things are so i dont have to stub my toes in the dark anymore...

i need trust that things will work out. that things will get past this lonely state in life. maybe i cant figure this out on my own. maybe i need to trust that there is some sort of plan for my life. there are always two ways of looking at things. depressing to think that everything is already going to be the way they will be. or. comforting to know that me not knowing where to go or what to do with this life of mine isnt the end. it isnt the end. its only the beginning of growth and finding things that i could not see before through these selfish eyes. opening up the windows to this stale air.

what happens to friendships when you find love? everything that ive witnessed just seems to go to the wayside. maybe its just being 20(almost). so excited to find true love that you cant help but focus all energy on it? i guess? i have yet to feel or find that. i am free. i am free to love. to live. to enjoy everything that life throws.
i miss girl nights. i miss relying on best friends... for the everyday stupid little things, like dandelions on the side of the road, instead of knowing that they will only be there for the really hard times. the tears. the pain. the broken hearts. i sound very ungreatful...sorry... ill take what i can get, really.

"lifes not about what is better than" _john butler trio
"nothing else matters but today" _?
"tomorrow is new, with no mistakes in it" _ann sherly

so many things are constantly boggling my mind and mostly because i have found myself directionless thinking i can do this all on my own.


three things will last forever- faith, hope, love- THE GREATEST OF THESE, LOVE.

the truth is

sad to hear out loud and it resonates in my ears that need to be cleared of all of this. all of this frustration and rage of the world and the things that i cant stand that i say or am or once was. needing to embrace the view from the headlights rather than the rear view mirrors that show objects closer than they actually are... especially in this moment. im nothing but a contradiction.and i dont think its quite settled in...but its much better than the first time around and there wont be another time because i know now what i didnt want to accept before... i will never be her. i will never be that kind of beautiful, i will never be that mystery, i will never fulfill that dream and that longing and that feeling that you cant explain. though... i dont know that i wish i could be. because though i wanted to be for some time i need to keep telling myself that it is what it is. my heart knows down deep...its just that sometimes i might have to convince my head. this is when i remember that i believe in God without question. peace that settles in like warmth on a rainy day...
my best friend was born in lincoln nebraska.