leaf

these scrapes are healing on my hands and the leaves are rustling so loud outside of this bedroom window of mine that it makes me feel like there is a downpour. only there isnt out there, but inside this heart there are so many things that are still without answers and my heart aches. im trying not to let it because the reason is quite silly but, im letting it. the wind thats blowing is making the leaves fall faster and the lack of a telephone ringing beside me is letting this heart down pretty quickly and im just sitting here. a new source of light plugged into my wall and dangling from my ceiling is soft and comforting unlike these words of advice from strangers in hopes to suffice for my lack of knowing. projects are waiting in my garage and books beside me with so many words waiting to be read and journals lacking the ink from my head and im heart sick. im overthinking. im dissapointing myself. over this silly lack of nothing. im talking myself into it and out of it and im replaying all the stupid things ive said for no reason at all...what words did you remember? because honestly... they were all honest, but i rather you have heard the good things. all my hopes are in this waiting and waiting. and im a silly little girl waiting for christmas morning..without having known anything she is getting at all.and the colorado ocean is loud tonight.... and i need it to sooth my heart...

deepest blue

compromise had been on my mind lately and im wondering if it really truely matters as much as i have always thought it to matter. and im wondering so many things in the stillness of my heart and i have let go. i have let go. of you. and you. and you. this world doesnt matter without you but... this life will.
lonely, no no... im figuring this out alone. and its wonderful to know that i am breathing on my own. without lifesupport. without cords attatched to my viens.
i am finally free.

things seem to have seasons just like the changing leaves and the brown grass that at one point was alive. doubt has its way of fluttering in my head so softly and all at once taking over all the hope for something good to come. wanting so many things to happen. i want to go and do, and hating to admitt that fear is what is holding this heart back to reside in a different state without transportation or luxury. wanting to ask a question, then getting stuck on, should i really have to ask? wanting to put an idea a chance... but ideas are just ideas until they are put into reality and im not knowing if this mouth of mine should open to utter these feelings and words and possibilities. these reading glasses mixing with movement makes me nausous and this haircut wasnt meant to be trendy. conversation is the major appeal and i am waiting... waiting until tomorrow.

these passions are bubbling and these hunger pains are stabbing and this skin is drying yet i am living. im overhearing conversations but the meaning isnt being listened to and i wonder... i wonder what it feels like to be a mom. what it would be like to be a writer and have a constant flow of words and inspiration. i wonder what it would be like to be homeless and take value in everything. to appreciate a beautiful day instead of hiding from it within walls that block out the sunlight. i wonder what it would be like to be old, to have seen, and be weathered by these days that keep passing us by. i wonder what it would be like to be utterly alone, without a single soul to hold you. i wonder what it would be like to have a brilliant mind to think of all of this convenient technology. or what it would be like to build a house with your own to hands. i wonder what it would be like to work at the post office and not be able to open so many appealing packages. i wonder how this is. that falling asleep for twelve hours has not replentished my energy, only my mind to wander around these surroundings and reconvince myself that i am not without hope today.