clenching my jaws togther to keep the tears from seeping out
this voice that is singing in the background isnt helping
and the fact that i havent seen her or heard from her in a long while
hurts my heart more than i care to realize every now and then.
i miss company that knows me in and out.
very few people know me that well anymore...
depression... is a very sad thing... that i dont know how to deal with or help and i dont know how to feel.
i am sad.
i am sad for her. i dont know how to help.

the tears cant be help back anymore.... and as much as i hate it... i love feeling something. anything at all.


i miss you more than you will know....................

oh the possibilities...........

remember when i said i dont know,
well i still dont. but i want to.
the needles wore the grooves too deep.
im tired and last night i felt very alone,
but it was my own fault because
i didnt go to that party i said i would.
that hard lemonade just sat on the counter
because i dont usually drink,
and when i do i like it to taste good
and i dont do it to get drunk.....
i like being in control too much..... and sometimes
that is a bad thing...
my mind is blank, my heart it hurting, and i dont
know where the fuck i should go and
this same story is getting old..
not knowing.
the cake i made today was patched up with extra icing
and red frosting letters written by what looked to be a 2 year old
but it tasted good.
i wish i showed that family is more important to me than i reveal.
im hungry but i probably wont eat,
oh of distractions.
and damn........ i forgot that cardboard.
its always freezing in my house and i probably should consider myself lucky for that.
i day dream about winter these days and i have never
liked winter before now.
i miss my friend.
two from distance in the miles between
and one from the distant miles of the heart.
im hungry...and maybe i will go eat.
maybe.......

i no longer

have a lot of hair!

mr.

i like the lack of words without the absence of conversation...
i dont mind silence, and i sometimes prefer it....
these pieces of plastic keep us up at night
the strain of distance and the closeness of heart.
you fell asleep tonight.... and i put the phone on my pillow
and listened to you breathe beside me.
it was comforting....
i like hearing the smile in your voice and the quietness of your thoughts...
i miss you dear friend.

watch this

speachless...
i hope this makes you cry.

default

not knowing is my default answer to everything.
and yesterday was a terrible day.
melting down it public,
is it overwhelming? or is it
a sense of relief that even the most
random, common, uncaring person
would care for a slight moment
about the tears that you cry.
tuesday is the day.
i am cutting off my past through a simple act.
'i wont ever let you walk out my door'
but i dont really know about that anymore.
words of honesty dont always do the trick
but simple words of accepting and keep truckin',
they stick to me like paste
and i am working towards that goal.
its just hard to not do it out of anger or bitterness...
but just to accept and move on.
new albums and a piece of plastic that is way too easy to use.
4 weeks from today i will have a friend living close
in physical form rather than just close in the heart.
my eyes are full of sleep again,
but the creativity that i feel in my blood today..
i dont want to pass without escaping through my fingers.
sometimes. i cant explain why i am sad. i just am.
yesterday was a terrible day.
but today was better, and i can live without you if i have to.

fragile

Nausea and nervousness.
the backdrop of the freeway
and beyond that hills with homes
and just a little farther
blue. gorgeous blue mountains
that hold hands with the sky
and i am pretending
that it is an ocean
and it calms my knotted stomache.
pregnant bellies and sun dresses
both beautiful, yet one
i cant imagine being, and the other
is waiting gently on that
hanger on my closet door at home.
that softness of a mothers hand
on her sons flawless face,
a form of love in the simplest touch.
i cant promise you that i'll stay
but im not saying i will go.

continued..

i love surprises but im not spontaneous.
these toes are small and the nails
that belong are almost without paint.
and these legs standing beneath these
unwashed, overworn black pants,
are unshaved and pale.
these muscles are not as strong as they once were
and this heart is fluttering, questioning,
beating with fear, excitment, frustration,
contentment, unsettling, sadness.
and i cant control it.
but today it is smiling...

i could just smile all night and skip sleep.

not genetic

everyone wants to be impressive.
well, this is me unimpressive.
i am an open book so it seems.
if youi ask me, i will, on most occasions,
tell you straight and plain.
but i wont lie that sometimes i do
candy coat those pretty truths.
opinions are important to have
but when it comes down to it
the only approval of opinion you need... is your own.
these words dont compair,
and these photographs i take...
are One beauty in the rolls and rolls of 24 and 36 terrible ones.
but i am ok with that.
it is worth the dissapointment
to find one special excitment in it all.
i live for the little good that is
sometimes so hard to find.
i take things too seriously sometimes,
but i am ok with that.
it reassures me that i do care about the little things.
i am not honest enough to the person
whom i title the most important.
i love my family so much
yet i dont make time to spend with them
or even when i do have time... i spend it alone.
why do i contradict so often?
i am a hypocrate
but i justify myself with the masses.
masses and masses that are the same
i compair myself to the magnificently beautiful,
the amazingly talented,
the extraordinary thinkers, the incredible artists..
way too much... and im not really ok with that,
besides the face that it pushes me to progress.
i am ok with being plain jane..
i have enough incredible friends who i dont need to impress.
i like the color teal, so much so that my walls are painted that lovely shade of blue.
is it vanity looking in mirrors when you pass them?
or is it only reassurance that i am not
as ugly as i may feel inside on that particular day.
my favorite part about going to the bathroom
is washing my hands and seeing the dirt consumed water
wash down that drain, and
i waste way too many paper towels.
i am more relaxed than i am tired.
i like being in terrible moods sometimes because
i find it relieving that i am still
just fine when im not pretending to be happy all the time.
i do not hide emotion well..
if im sad or angry, you can see it in these brown eyes.
yet i have to explain myself when i dont say much or when i am just observing...
i am not very opinionated when it comes to politices or major world issues
and i am ok with that for the time being.
i like keeping an open mind about things im not well informed about.
if we dont get our opinions from parts of other opinions...where do they really come from?
i eat scrambled eggs with cheese way too much because
it is the only thing i know how to make well.
i think about cutting my hair often but i probably wont.
i talk a lot more than i do with the plans in my life... and im working on changing that.
i am easily irritated some days
and some days when i have coffee it makes me really happy.
i dont change my bed sheets very often... but i dont really have
a reason to besides the occasional funky smell.. seeing
as how i dont drool or have sex.
in book stores.. i look for books whose cover catch my eye...
i guess you could say i judge books by the cover.
the only times i really cry are in my car.
or talking to my mom, and even then,
i dont know how to sob anymore... or i just havent had a good enough reason.

sitting there unimpressed... i dont mind at all...

i hate that 4 year old children know how to order a double chocolate chip frappaccino and their mommy's latte.
i hate that at the age of 7 a little boy is ordering a double tall caramel macchiato saying that "he loves coffee".
7 years old!!! i still dont like coffee and im nineteen.
its radiculous.
i hate that the idea of having to be cool or great is drilled into their heads when they are 7 years old.
who made coffee drinking cool anyway? its just bitter water that helps keep your eyes open when you are last minute cramming for that final exam, or writting that 15 page paper that you put off til 3 hours before you need to be in class the next morning.
but i will admitt.... french vanilla creamer and irish cream... the best idea of all time.... it makes coffee taste SO SO gooooood.

i also hate it when plastic parents imply that their children are fat, or "you dont really need that frappaccino", or "she'll have the LIGHT version".... shes 6 fucking years old! let her eat what she wants!!
i understand that mcDonalds everyday isnt healthy...but if your kid is chubby.... let them be a little chubby... its cute! and apparently when you are young its the only time that it is remotely accepted.

incredible friends:

its hard to find the genuine, but when you do.... you are truly blessed.

inspiration:

blues and greens

i think i may move to maryland. fresh start, new struggles, old struggles with new faces. the feeling of hunger being a regular part of the routine, but pockets filled with the same things: chapstick, telephone, and bobbi-pins, and maybe on a good day a few pennies and a nickel. i will need to take my bicycle because i doubt that i will be taking my car... unless by some miricle it will not break down cross country. a dumpy little appartment with amazing people to share it with. job-hunting and new people...but always having the old ones in my heart. the humid air. the cold. the ocean. the city. i will day dream all day today.........

i dont know how

to be inlove... but i want to know.

content for a day

or close to it.
rain.........it makes everything in my mind relax.......