my fingers are just as cold as this coffee that i didn't end up drinking and
re-defining necessity and wandering these leaf covered sidewalks until my feet are bruised.
its tiresome and frustrating and disheartning, but im going to stop talking about it from now on.
this trust that keeps coming to mind has been failing quite often and i cant seem to keep the hope from falling away from this unfocused vision and cliched mind repeating, everything works out, something will come up, you'll be ok.
what it comes down to is life. THIS, this is shit. this is frustration. its emotion. its helplessness. but, its LIFE.
its a life worth living, and as long as i can hold onto silver linings from day to day it'll be ok. it'll be good.
oh this life

this is life man.

this has been some week ya know? ive never really completely understood shut doors until this week when they've been slammed in my face. im on the virge of independence but also just shut out of a safe bet. supposed to be relying completely on a god i dont understand and trusting that eveything will work out. things are changing. and ending. and beginning. im glad that my walls are green and purple. im blessed because my dad has the same heart as his dad, and hopefully it was passed down to me as well. im relieved in a way, that i dont have to quit, that someone did it for me. im nervous for what will come of new people in my life, but mostly excited. it seems im always figuring something out, i just dont think ive ever done so much of it in such a short amount of time.
hope is alive

the truth

needing to say what is on my chest instead of not saying what i actually mean. i do it far too often because im afraid of upsetting someone or causing problems with the truth.
..more to come

let it die

my skin is drying out, cracking and bleeding. and it reminds me of you.
devochka was the first random artist this morning. it reminded me of you.
theres a painting on my wall that you painted. it reminds me of you.
i went to the tattered cover last night. that place reminds me of you.
dirty cars, photobooths, polaroids, tofu, kung fu, familiar faces, dandelions, laughter, paint, style, purple and green and pale yellow, holding hands, spoons, moons, so many great things are tucked away in this mind. they reappear all the time. but i almost wish they would just stay in the memories. i have a hard time letting go of something wonderful but its time to let it die. there is nothing to be holding on to anymore. i dont like having to spend the little time we share catching up. and like someone said last night, you cant go down without a fight, but really what am i fighting for anymore? what we had 2 years ago when life was more simple? you make time for the important things in life and though you may argue, some things you just cant hide. so im saying goodbye. to the old. hello to the new. i understand now that some things fade out in order for new things to grow, and though im still waiting for those new things, you needed me to fade out to make way for all the other great things happening in your life. im letting this die...

why oh why cant some people intertwine. why cant our lives evolve together all the time instead of the rare occasions. we are so busy with our lives, our jobs, schools, boyfriends. ive found those are the top priorities of life at the age of 20. and although they are legit i cant help but feel a loss.
i want so much to be in the rhythm of someone elses life. not just penciled into someones schedule, and not just an afterthought. i want a mutual caring. it would be nice for this loneliness to fade soon.

this is where i dwell

i dont have a rhyme in my mind or a song in my chest but im still tryin to sing.
protecting what this shell holds might be a mistake but as long as im unsure i dont know any other way. ive lost much hope in things and i dont want to run away from this but i dont want to stay here. we dont belong, you and i, and im finally feeling the things ive put away on these shelves fall on my feet. unexpected. the numbing, and at times, throbbing that follows through these tiny little toes. never and always are the two extremes that we face and as i always wanted you, you never wanted me. so we sit here pretending that you did and not thinking just feeling and as long as im not realizing what i want and need and at times deserve, i will just forget it all. because feeling the illusion of belonging, to me, right now, is better than feeling the lonliness until i find the substance of my worth. whats the point of having something that is never used. you deserve to be with someone that you love as equally as they love you. i want that for you. and for me.

brad and i got ice cream cones the other day...and he matched the dairy queen colors.. yellow shrit and red dipped cone... magical haha..

this is life, volume 10

i hate the small talk that is only the kindness of trying to ease the moment...
i used to be so self sufficient. ok with being with myself. but these days go by and i try to shake this off. its silly to feel loss when i should feel better for this. there are so many more opportunities for better things. i wanted a change in my life but i didnt think it was this. maybe its only a rearangement. the "fung-shua" is more functional now, it just takes some getting used too, some time to know where things are so i dont have to stub my toes in the dark anymore...

i need trust that things will work out. that things will get past this lonely state in life. maybe i cant figure this out on my own. maybe i need to trust that there is some sort of plan for my life. there are always two ways of looking at things. depressing to think that everything is already going to be the way they will be. or. comforting to know that me not knowing where to go or what to do with this life of mine isnt the end. it isnt the end. its only the beginning of growth and finding things that i could not see before through these selfish eyes. opening up the windows to this stale air.

what happens to friendships when you find love? everything that ive witnessed just seems to go to the wayside. maybe its just being 20(almost). so excited to find true love that you cant help but focus all energy on it? i guess? i have yet to feel or find that. i am free. i am free to love. to live. to enjoy everything that life throws.
i miss girl nights. i miss relying on best friends... for the everyday stupid little things, like dandelions on the side of the road, instead of knowing that they will only be there for the really hard times. the tears. the pain. the broken hearts. i sound very ungreatful...sorry... ill take what i can get, really.

"lifes not about what is better than" _john butler trio
"nothing else matters but today" _?
"tomorrow is new, with no mistakes in it" _ann sherly

so many things are constantly boggling my mind and mostly because i have found myself directionless thinking i can do this all on my own.


three things will last forever- faith, hope, love- THE GREATEST OF THESE, LOVE.

the truth is

sad to hear out loud and it resonates in my ears that need to be cleared of all of this. all of this frustration and rage of the world and the things that i cant stand that i say or am or once was. needing to embrace the view from the headlights rather than the rear view mirrors that show objects closer than they actually are... especially in this moment. im nothing but a contradiction.and i dont think its quite settled in...but its much better than the first time around and there wont be another time because i know now what i didnt want to accept before... i will never be her. i will never be that kind of beautiful, i will never be that mystery, i will never fulfill that dream and that longing and that feeling that you cant explain. though... i dont know that i wish i could be. because though i wanted to be for some time i need to keep telling myself that it is what it is. my heart knows down deep...its just that sometimes i might have to convince my head. this is when i remember that i believe in God without question. peace that settles in like warmth on a rainy day...
my best friend was born in lincoln nebraska.

have you ever wanted

life to be more than it seems...
i do with all of my heart.

my mind in a million moments

would you still love me if my world changed
in the way you've disregarded as indecent?
this morning was the first morning
i felt this always present fabric
between my fingers
with red stragling threads dangling
on my wrists as i drive
on this lonely cold common road
with sun shine and the
sky falling in little pieces of white.
i will be your friend forever
if i have it my way.
will you be taken with me
as we dream up places to leave this place from?
distant friend and ever present beauty
streaming from places
i didnt think could exist.
smelling drunken conversations
and tingling feet.
this city will never have enough
lights to compair to you.
itll never be big enough to hold
this love that is blooming.
calm in chaos.
rhythm in ryhme.
focus in blur.
picture in the photograph.
warmth between this fabric and my skin,
pale and incomplete.
i never understood straightening
out curls or the making of pearls.
some things are just always left
for the unknown.
dont ever let water fill up your lungs.
they have too much to give.

i cant take my mind off of you

lets go lets get away
from all that we once new
and all that we once loved
and lets follow this path
together all the way
to the unknown and the new
to the scary and unexplored.

i thought of you. i think of you. im thinking of you.
hello love.
you are my light.
someone i hold dear and want to keep with me
its not that im scared, its just that its delicate

i have found

it is easier to observe something than it is to experience it.
its easier to hit the snooze button rather than getting up.
its easier to be waited on than to make it yourself.
its better to forgive than to hold onto something
its greater to give than to worry about anything else.
its harder to be nice to people that are rude than it is when they are nice back.
its easier to write songs about loosing someone than it is when you have them.
its easy to recognize what you want than it is to realize that you have what you need.
its hard to write when you try to hard.
its one thing to make lists and its another to follow through.
it shouldnt be a burden to finish craft projects.
its better to spend time with you and be tired than to be without you.
i find that ignorance is not bliss.
that complaining is pointless. completely and fully.
that disappointment comes with the territory of being a child.
ive found that i dont do enough. i dont say enough. i dont think enough. i dont care enough. i dont produce enough. i dont love enough...
but im working on it. ..
im workin on some things...
but this is life... this is life.

light

again ive been trying
trying to grasp the concept
of something i cant pretend to understand.
where does it go after years
of loving without return.
where does it go after its
been abandoned for another.
where does it escape to after all of the
love letters and sweet kisses.
why does it seep out like the cold seeps in..
into these layers of clothing and chills to the bone.
all that i seem to know
is that this potential is greatly
approaching something real..
something beautiful that for once
i cant see the ending from the starting point...

oh

youre on my mind...
you there with the kind heart
lately lately youre the only one in here
in this heart of mine.
in these thoughts that pass by
like the streets of a big city.
this busy busy city.

happy new years!