mar

on my mind.
you've been on my mind.
that blue has been the backdrop with the trees as the witnesses to your glory.
why have you made me like this and what is this like?
my skin and my heart are blemished.

traveling east

i know how to be alone better than i know how to be around all these lonely people. love that is true. i cant grasp it still... but it is lovely in trying to imagine.

change of pace,
montrose was lovely. the wedding was beautiful, or maybe it was the love that made it that of its kind, not souly for the pretty faces.
driving and searching for words to discribe the blue that i fell in love with.


i haven't brushed my hair in three days, an it was dancing with the mountain air for 7 hours on the way home. one bowl of soup did not satisfy the hunger of an entire day. the nausea in my stomach when i wake up returned today...and it really isnt that lovely of a feeling. mind over matter. the tan lines i recieve from the sun are always in unison with only one item of my clothing. spooning will probably always be my favorite way physical comfort. ive been 19 for a month now exactly. wow. i cant imagine what growing old will be like, and i probably wont realize it until i am already there... and i cant understand when i look in the eyes of the beautiful elderly people whom i come across.. has their mind stopped searching..





i wish i could sleep well enough to get rest.

repeat repeat

so good so good. past the surface into something that is so much easier to say this time. this time inbetween studies and smelly feet. appreciation is scarce because the words of i love you can mean so much to him but overused bewtween her and i. no answer to a phonecall that was needed to communicate and you are completely gone when tired tears away at your eyes. distance. trying to figure out something that cant be figured out. that is that. this is this. tell me what you want...
nothing is lost its jussssttt..... hiding out. 5 hours are to come and even more after that. long whindy roads and insects that didnt see it coming.

Lately...

life is just a series of thoughts as we travel between place to place trying to find something worth our time.
worth being an opinion of approval not necessarily that of enjoyment.
ive found trouble with 'living IN the moment'. my mind is rarely in the place that my body dwells. extremes are the rare exception. intense pain or sadness, or an abundance of joy. not happiness... joy. two extremes which i have not experience in some time.
joy: the SOURCE. not just the effect
happiness:Being especially well-adapted
ADAPTED> im not adapted to anything at all. constantly floating inbetween circles and squares and dead ends and endless roads and nothingness and hints of hope. enough to keep my alive.
building walls and getting frustraited when i cant find the time or a way to tear them down again. unlovable and frustrated. dig dig dig. deep deep deep.
and find what isnt something you want to find..
so so so obsolete.
directionless.breakdown.saveme.jumpstart.areyoualive?breathlessandsearching...

enlarger

i have not a word tonight. but i love you..

sinking

oh i need hope to fill my lungs.


"SAVE ME cause i could never float stinking, amaze me and i will be here holding on for life."

This is me.

if you leave i hope you need to come back

first words are success
pretty apparent from the fancy shoes
and the fake smiles.
phone glued to face,"laskdfj;asldkjfholdonfortwosecondsk?"
triple tall
sugar free vanilla
breve
no foam
latte
you?no please.
Me? a smile and a thank you.
overhearing conversations
and their translation:
i make a ton of money,
i started at the bottom and
now im at the top of it all.
(if by all you mean money)
i have the fancy dresses and
the perfect hairdo.
my version:
why? i dont understand why the first words should be about the success of how much money we make or the productivity that our lives have come up with. hard work intitles you to be arrogant? i guess so. there has got to be more. what do you believe and live for? what will you do when it all falls apart? because eventually it will and all you will be standing there with is yourself.

i have little to no money at all. i dont make much money, and what i do make i dont bother saving because.. i dont really care that much about it. i have a little room in my parent's house, with things leaning against every wall because i cant ever throw things away that a piece of me is a part of. a mirror that only reflects my feet to my knees, photographs spilled all over the place, a ton of home made things that are the product of my inspired moments. antique furniture that ive had all my life, a huge pile of my favorite, overworn clothing that i just washed for the first time in weeks. 7 bottles of half drinken water, and music blasting from the speakers of my stereo. i have a car parked outside my window that has squeeky wheels and check engine light that illuminates everyday. a few lenses and a camera in a homemade camera bag. globes and maps that remind me of where i will go someday. photobooths of best friends and lovers. i have a braclet on my wrist from a great friend and freshly cut fingernails.
i dont want to live for myself. it seems so pointless. i rather just know who i am and what i believe...and know other people and who they are. not 'what do you do, how are you doing in your attempts to wealth and beauty'.

i wish i was having a conversation with someone over overly sweet strong iced coffee.


"make it count for something or else its all for nothing".

amaaaaaaaaaaaaze me... cause i will never.........

sometimes i feel completely ugly. the things inside change my perspective.today. this terrible feeling of feeling dirty. feeling like the edges of my being were broken and i couldnt stop feeling bruised and uneasy. i still feel it. needing to make things right but not knowing how or what or when or where. i could see the shame in your eyes but i didnt want to show you disappointment in mine. and the light headache and the stomach filled with nothing, water, and things of no good. i am no good at what i love to do the most. i really dont think so today. i feel like im barely ok at the things i love but mostly terrible.
today needs to end or i just need to stop this mind from digging.

lip service makes us look "great"

im inbetween stages of my heart.
i calmed myself when my heart was beating so quickly
to the excitemnt of nothing at all but a smiling face.
when i dont let joy overtake the nonsensical moments
the sadness sets in of everything that has come
and has lingered in my heart
it wont evaporate.
like that smoke that you blew underneath that
empty water glass last night.
after the flavored tabacco filled your lungs.
things go as deep as the ocean floor
when you find the time to just realize.
so many days are filled with wondering
the fog of once knowing who and what was once in this heart
i really didnt ever think my heart could keep beating in this state
but it is. and it will keep going.
i dont know about anything.
but i am on the verge of knowing where i will go
everything is temporary and i cant ever seem to grasp it.
left overs in the container than contains much more than just
what i had for dinner last night.
it contains progress that i can do this on my own. ... somewhat.
it contains not knowing if i want to be all alone.


white needs black.
i want to need you.
you.
whoever YOU are.
but i have not a clue.
and i spend too much time worrying
about the You that will probably not
include all these expectations.