dreaming and colors

i keep having these very vivid dreams. i dont like them. they have all been very emotional. i thought you sleep for relief. for escape. for rest. to wake up with my heart beating and thinking that my grandpa is still alive and dying all over again is not any of those things. i dont even like the really good dreams.. waking up and thinking that things are so much better than reality. the only dreams that i like are the crazy, nonsensical ones.....the ones with rollercoasters that lead to other parts of dreams that lead to different beautiful colors i've never seen before.

this is one of those days. those days where it seems like i've been talking all day long, when really i haven't said a word. so much going on inside this mind and i haven't really sorted anything out or come to any conclusions other than that i need these days to stay afloat. these are the days when i realize that silence isn't lonely. when im silent i am the most comforted. well, that statement isn't always true. but on days like these... it couldnt be more true. i think that too much of life i am not as thoughtful as i ought to be. but i want to be. i love being lost liket his. without the company of that secret in my tea tin. i needed to realize that i am ok.