tiny hands reaching for something fragile that is a little to far from her grasp. i feel like a lost child. in this limbo between cluelessness and instinct. my heart aches. a physical pain in my chest. understanding doesn't come with the territory of making things easier. my life is much like a coldplay song. sounding a little unrealistic, but the depth of sadness feels very real. i need happiness to seep through this despair soon...

Homesick at home. i dont know where i am supposed to be. everytime i leave my family i get heartsick and cry most of the way home. when i get home i automatically want to leave. but when i do i have no destination. this sadness could kill me soon if i let it. i dont get sad too often, but when i do its deep and it hurts. like -14 degree wind blowing through your body.

there is a man. playing his guitar like it was his heart bleeding.
and im sitting here. in this busy little coffee house found in an alley way
with a fly sitting on the tip of my page, planning his next destination.
there are trends taped to every body that passes me while a young man is studying his bible as if it were his heart. there are these two women with soft skin and curly hair discussing abominations like religion was their college degree and they were the creators of truth. if i had a cigarette on hand i think my lips would be delighted to keep its company. to inhale that dreadful taste in attempts to calm my head and my heart. this crowd is dissapating with the minutes that are passing and the time is draining out of me as if it were my heart. my heart. oh all of these hearts...

food usually cures bad moods, unless you burn the shit out of your potatoes.
i wish this world could take the truth, and give of the same.

just some thoughts:

these ever so floating thoughts.
tonight was good. damn gravity. tonight i felt a sense of relief to know that im not the only one that feels lonely anymore. i want you to be happy. misery loves company and i understand why now. anyone that tries to drag you down is not worth your time. i dont know how long or how many times it will take me to get that in my head. here are a few hints about me: when i have things on my mind i want to talk it out, but if that window of time passes i'll shut off. i lock myself in my head and i dont come out til morning. i make the best "art" when im upset or processing something. i work things out through my fingertips usually. i also process things in lists. i love the feeling of someone actually seeing me when they look at me. there was a fellow tonight that saw me. or so it seemed? it very rarely seems that this world exists without judgement. but those few times i feel that it does are very perfect times. weightless and free.
how many times a day
do you do something a certain way
out of fear or what someone might say?

instead of thoughts that dont need to be shared, i'll leave you with this photograph.

dreaming and colors

i keep having these very vivid dreams. i dont like them. they have all been very emotional. i thought you sleep for relief. for escape. for rest. to wake up with my heart beating and thinking that my grandpa is still alive and dying all over again is not any of those things. i dont even like the really good dreams.. waking up and thinking that things are so much better than reality. the only dreams that i like are the crazy, nonsensical ones.....the ones with rollercoasters that lead to other parts of dreams that lead to different beautiful colors i've never seen before.

this is one of those days. those days where it seems like i've been talking all day long, when really i haven't said a word. so much going on inside this mind and i haven't really sorted anything out or come to any conclusions other than that i need these days to stay afloat. these are the days when i realize that silence isn't lonely. when im silent i am the most comforted. well, that statement isn't always true. but on days like these... it couldnt be more true. i think that too much of life i am not as thoughtful as i ought to be. but i want to be. i love being lost liket his. without the company of that secret in my tea tin. i needed to realize that i am ok.

there are secrets beneath this skin of mine that lay so softly against my bones.

can i tell you something?
can i tell you a secret about these simple days that pass by as the sun grows warmer and i stay the same shade of pale.

you help me.
you help me live.
top of the hill, god, i need you more than ever.
bottom of the hill, i need a band aid or two.
home, escape. leave leave leave.
oh to figure out these things in my head.
it is too much.
the taste of coffee only tastes good with certain people.
i miss you but it'll never change.
some things wont change.
but this box i've been living in is making me short of breath.
home, escape. leave leave please, im needing to leave.

on the lighter side of things

i dont ever have anything to write anymore. not prolific or pretty.
but i have this friend..
i have this friend of mine, words flow out of her like the ocean
they capture you in waves and pull you under until you are completely lost
then they bring you back to the surface and sail you away on that boat of yours.
i wish i could have that dwelling inside of me.
that endlessness of beauty that never depletes.